This is my story: An extract from my book –‘ Conscious Evolution’.
At 27 years of age something strange and uncommon occurred that at the time was completely devastating. I felt completely helpless. Somehow I knew well enough not to share my trauma with any mainstream professionals. The effects of the problem were physically and mentally debilitating, and at the time, completely incomprehensible. Was I going to continue to agonize and wallow in my misery or could I summon up enough courage and willpower to overcome my predicament. What I discovered, as many others have, is that all problems originate in the mind. That is, every kind of problem whether physical (through disease), social or mental in its myriad or endless forms, no matter how complicated they seem to be, in some way relate to our thinking. I had been told this, but not until I was faced with the symptoms of my unbalanced mind did I understand the full implication of the statement that ‘all problems originate in mind through imbalance’. Keep in mind that all problems are perpetuated through self-pity.
Here is what happened: Periodically throughout the day my right nostril would clamp shut, as fast and tightly as a clam. Now, you should know that our nostrils receive the life force within the breath, and direct it to vitalize both the body and the mind. The right nostril extracts the life force, and the mind is vitalized, while through the left, the physical body is vitalized. As the mind evolves, the intake of vital force through the nose indirectly activates specific glands that secrete substances that bring health to the body, and through which the mind opens to higher states of awareness.
In my case the closing off of the right nostril left me mentally and emotionally dead. I simply could not function normally. If the right nostril closed while watching a movie I had to quickly leave because what was being projected on the screen were merely dead images; I could feel nothing except a deep and disturbing restlessness. When I was with people and it closed, there was simply no connection with them. I could hear and speak but without any feeling whatsoever. Others could sense the lack of connection with me but would never know why I suddenly tuned out. I could walk through the tranquil woods or lakeside, and be totally devoid of any sensation.
Emotion produces sensation and acceptance of life. I was emotionally dead when my right nostril closed. If you place your finger over your right nostril for, say 5 minutes, you will have some idea of what I mean. You can only imagine that without feeling there is no life; nothing has meaning. Emotion registers all that life is depending upon your state of mind. Without feeling and emotion, life is without purpose. This effect then began to produce both a mental depression and a physical degeneration. This dysfunction left me confused, disturbed, dejected and feeling very sorry for myself. The only sensation that I could experience was mental agony with its accompanying self-pity. I could not laugh, cry or feel any sensation. It was truly horrible.
Of course periodically throughout the day the right nostril would open and all emotional sensation returned. How long it stayed open would depend upon my surroundings and level of acceptance and adaptation to those surroundings. Even when I was by myself I was subject to this problem. At least half of every day the right nostril was closed. At times my central balance was affected so that as I walked I would veer off to the right and almost fall. My vision was also being affected.
When this first occurred the effect upon my psyche was more than I could understand or bear. I thought that if it lasted more than a day I would not be able to endure it. And when it went on for a month I could only cry and feel miserable. I endured it for 14 years. The first 7 years caused a progressively degenerate mental and physical condition. Why was this all happening to me?
In the seventh year I knew without a doubt that the problem was not a physiological one. I met someone at that time and dared to share my dilemma. It so happened that they too had suffered the same problem but not so severe. Knowing their mental makeup through their name I realized for sure that my problem had to do with the conflict of specific number combinations within my name. We both shared the same qualities in their unbalanced state.
This awareness convinced me that this problem could be overcome. I had now awakened the resolve to stand up and fight. I knew that I must begin by countering the effects of my self-pity. I suspected all along that it was my over-sensitivity that was the root of the problem, due to an excessive amount of 7 in my name. The 7 blocked the natural extroverted tendencies of my true nature and caused me to respond to life in a way that eventually made me into an overly sensitive introvert. This introversion developed slowly, through my reaction to life over a period of many years. I had changed my name when I was 23 but it wasn’t soon enough to prevent the problem from occurring. The name change was my saving grace. It gradually provided the basis for actually changing my attitude and my whole mental state.
My recovery began with facing my self-pity. I refused to accept my suffering. There was no other way to begin. Gradually I saw clearly how my reactions to people were causing me to withdraw, and to justify my escape from them. At this point I began the process of balancing and bringing myself out of my introversion, and much more. One valuable thing I learned was that self-pity keeps problems alive. The last 7 years of my 14 year curse, or so it seemed, had finally brought me to a reasonable state of balance.
It is important to say that had my right nostril stayed open when this problem began I would surely have died. I had reached a point in my imbalance where the right nostril closed naturally, and the left nostril opened to allow for the build up of vital force within my body. Had the right one remained open my mind would never have been able to sustain the realms that it entered. These realms produced great insights and deep feelings but caused deep psychic reactions within my nervous system. My lesson was to balance that deep sensitivity (that I still possess), with the practicality of dealing with everyday life and also not to judge others and society too harshly. The negative aspect of the 7 is judging others unfairly from a place of sensing their imperfection and sometimes from a deep knowing.
Each and every one of us has our own story regarding our problems. Just how our deep-seated problems develop, is clearly understood through the numbers. (This idea or concept will be explained in detail later on.)
I will continue with my story in order to explain how most of us go off track through compulsions set in motion through our names and at an early age.
I grew up along the banks of the Fraser River in a Vancouver suburb. My sensitivity drew me away from people into the natural beauty surrounding my home and neighborhood. The woods and creeks were my refuge. All problems were dissolved and forgotten in my escape into the wonders of nature. My imagination soared as I communed with this life force as it worked its magic through me. Life and play were exquisite and my energy was inexhaustible!
My school years, after about grade three, were an exercise in pure boredom. I longed to be outside playing ball or just playing. Fishing in the river or in the creeks or just roaming through the woods was pure enchantment. My mother and father immigrated to Canada with little or no education, and it was easy for my brother and I to convince them that homework was not a large part of our schooling. Consequently I never did any, or very little that I can remember. When the school day ended, the relief was enormous and life was good. Waking up to another day with the thought of going to school, and in my later years, going to work, eventually made life a bitter experience, and gradually the beauty and innocence of my childhood faded away or could no longer be sustained from day to day. It followed that my academic credentials did not serve me at all. Even had I acquired some academic titles, I could not have adapted to a professional life. I was born to experience the vast beauty of living as it can only be lived in a completely happy, relaxed and tranquil state. Nature has always been a source of rejuvenation and my link with my natural self.
At seventeen I joined the Canadian navy believing that once again I could recapture the spirit of adventure and that sense of freedom and independence. You can just imagine my surprise and my naivety. My natural and inherent sensitivity came under severe assault, leading me to a near mental collapse. I simply could not adapt to a military environment. (It was later in my 23rd year that I discovered that it was my name that made me so sensitive and that made it virtually impossible for me to find any part of myself in the company of most people or particularly groups of people. I realized then that I was structured differently.)
In 1960 I sailed into Pearl Harbor on a destroyer escort in a dangerous state of withdrawal. I could not communicate with anyone. I was totally depressed. This was also my first of many excursions into the magic and mysticism of Hawaii. The contrast between life on the ship and life on shore just about drove me insane. We sailed to the big island of Hawaii where I hiked by myself into the tropical forest and experienced a beauty that brought tears of relief and gratitude that reached to my soul. Back aboard the ship I nearly died from loneliness and my growing introversion. On the way to San Diego fortune brought me in contact with a naval Padre (a Christian minister) who at the time seemed as desperate as I was to get out of the Navy. He obviously recognized my mental state and obtained my release on our return to Canada. This was fortunate; otherwise I would certainly have gone a.w.o.l (absent without leave) as I had done before. It would have been essential for my very survival.
Why, I asked myself many times, could I not adapt and respond to people and situations like everyone else? I wanted to. I longed to in fact. Or perhaps I needed to understand how to adapt to this deeper side of myself? In any case I was being torn apart inside.
No longer confined by my naval contract and the rules and conditions of Navy life I wandered through life seeking the answers to these questions. I withdrew into myself and into nature to such a degree, that to this day I can commune with all creatures of the forest without fear or harm to me. The 7 quality opened me up to a depth of sensitivity that allowed me to see things that others could not see or experience. Unfortunately I paid the price for my imbalance. In this horrible confusion and the fight between these contradictory forces, the door eventually closed to this higher plain and became inaccessible until I learned to create a balance with all parts of my being. This higher state was closed off to me for my own protection because I had inadvertently violated the whole. How was I to combine my responsibility to my inner life, (and its response to the glorious feeling of nature), with my responsibilities in the outer world? How could I survive without sacrificing any true and inherent part of me?
To carry on with my story, I took on jobs that were so ill suited to me that I cringe to think of how much of a liability I was and of the problems I created. I must also confess that at the moment I also feel a delightful sense of humor surging up in me. I was fired from jobs more that once. Was the problem only mine? Was the problem lack of education or parental discipline? This was my life in all of its imperfection and imbalance.
At 23 in 1963 as I have mentioned, I had changed my name, and at 27 my life caved in. I had reached the extreme end of my imbalance and my right nostril simply closed and life shut down for me. I should also mention that I was introduced to a vegetarian diet along with breathing exercises, which have been a part of my daily practice to this day (2006). Unfortunately the diet and extra breathing intensified my sensitivity, which contributed to the inevitable and ultimate breakdown.
I could not work for about two years as I agonized over my condition. Eventually I ended up in sales, which was about the only thing left to me considering my abysmal work record and my condition. Being confined to a building of any kind was impossible and suffocating, so sales offered a degree of freedom. Being in commission sales I was paid only if I sold my wares. Initially my over-sensitivity made it almost impossible to approach my customers without my right nostril clamping shut, but somehow I struggled through.
My new name was beginning to see me through some of my weaknesses and sensitivities.
I was introduced to a man who had started a new business and he asked me to be his salesman. I remember telling him that I would be happy to be his salesman under the condition that he would allow me to operate under my own rules, or something to that affect. He agreed, knowing very little of me, and my habits. There were times that I think I just about drove him crazy. This relationship was destiny. We became friends and partners of a sort. I traveled throughout the Provinces of British Columbia and Alberta, and for a while business boomed. In between golf, fishing, swimming and hiking I sold my products. The only way I could keep my right nostril open was when I was enjoying nature. In between my nature excursions I would dash in to see my customers, and out again before my right nostril closed. I also discovered that as long as I could lead my customers into a philosophical dialogue my right nostril would remain open for a time.
In these moments I was exhilarated and became over-stimulated. This level of excitement in turn created a short circuit and caused a depletion of the vital force of the body, and at a certain point the right nostril would quickly close.
I would never have believed that my depth of sensitivity and love of nature and all things beautiful could have caused my horrible problem. How was it that my reaction to crowds of people and their pretense and noise moved me to seek my peace and tranquility in nature? I found out when I was introduced to the principles of numbers. Then I began the study that truly leads to self-realization or self-knowledge.
The problem of course developed through extremes. Too much of any quality moves the mind away from the possibility of learning the other lessons as enumerated through the numbers from 1 through 9. I moved almost exclusively into the realm of the 7 and refused to acknowledge the other aspects of life and living. In this negative reaction to inaccessible parts of my self I justified my escape into a single part of life until the forces of imbalance moved in and shut me down.
Had I not changed my name it is possible that the experience that I had with my right nostril may never have happened. In that case I would either be dead or living as a recluse; most likely dead. It is for sure that I would not be sitting here writing this book; that I see clearly and say with insight.
I should say that I have known thousands of people who have changed their names with no such side affects like those I experienced. My case was unusual with a meaning specific to me alone. I see now that I could not have mastered my difficulty without readiness and spiritual resolve. No one will be dealt a difficulty that is beyond them; that is to say, all problems such as cancer or any other problem, large or small, contain within themselves a solution. That solution resides in the mind as we study the mathematical disposition as created through the name.
So the moral of the story is that all qualities from 1 to 9 give us access to different parts of our self and of life. Unfortunately when any single quality or number becomes too dominant and pushes us too far into one aspect of life, it unconsciously creates problems in the mind that can become almost impossible to resolve on the deepest level.
Is it true that our name should be held responsible for all problems in our life? The influence of the name has far reaching implications. The theory behind numbers and their relationship to language and your name is not so easy to comprehend. What is comprehendible is seeing and observing the advantage that has been given a child that starts out life with a balanced name. Anyone who has changed their name through this principle will testify to the changes that have taken place over time, which they know could not have been achieved without a name change.
To end the story of my own life, it is important to say that on one level I have not changed, only expanded. I learned that with my deep sensitivity I was never meant to adapt to a life in the military or to the regimentation of the school system or to a material world and all of its demands and stresses. But I did have to learn to honour that deep beautiful side to my character and understand the forces within society that would have me conform to a life that would destroy me. I knew intrinsically that I must become strong and creative in my own right, and somehow function in the world as an individualistic force, free from the confusion of a system created without wisdom. I had been given the knowledge of the numbers but had not yet discovered how to access their wisdom.
In conclusion I have this to say: Without balance the higher lessons or the qualities of the 7, 8 and 9 cannot be accessed. These numbers allow the mind to come to humility and to prepare itself to relax or surrender into a more tranquil state where thinking is no longer problematic. In my experience I will touch upon three incidents to illustrate the point:
The first relates to the number 7. I was teaching a class the knowledge of the numbers as I had been doing for many years. This particular evening there was a pause in my presentation and as I looked out to my audience I strangely had nothing to say nor could I speak had I wanted to. My teaching days came to an abrupt end for several years. Off the speaking platform my verbal spontaneity returned to normal. In front of a class my mouth was forcibly closed. It was not stage fright or anything I could understand at the time. At the time I was devastated and thought my life, without the chance to teach, was meaningless.
I learned that any man or woman who would be a spiritual teacher must lose their voice ever before they could find it, that is, in the spiritual sense. The seven represents the ‘open door’ to the spiritual domain, which is not accessible to the egotistic mind. A spiritual mind cannot speak of things which do not originate from a place of pure consciousness or originality, nor can it speak inappropriately; it is simply not possible. The spiritual teacher speaks only when the student is ready and humble, and only on the level that the student can understand.
The second incident occurred with a close intimate whom I was having an ongoing struggle with. I detested myself for my intolerance and my temper, and determined to deal with the problem once and for all. When I had committed myself to help rather than to hurt this person I never realized the difficulty that I was to face. As I rose above my lower impulses I discovered a new world, above personality and familiarity. The difficulty in this process was the alienation of all my friends and intimates. Initially I felt a growing separation between them. They felt me moving away from them. What was actually taking place relates to the number 8. It was a natural detachment from personality or involvement with emotionalism. In the emotional state it is almost impossible to break away from fighting and arguing without feeling guilty and being drawn back in to apologizing and to fight yet another day. The whole Western psychology unconsciously supports the struggle and perpetuates the fight. The 8 being a spiritual force, transcends the fight through humility and responds, by helping their adversary, rather than hurting them.
In the number 8 there is clarity and understanding. I gradually saw the futility of the fighting that goes on in the world between family members and between nations; a fighting that is self-perpetuating and never-ending. Only in the detached state can there be true love and the experience of power in service and in the ‘brotherhood of man’. In the 8 the mind sees clearly into the minds of others and into its own foolishness.
The third incident was my own experience of loss; the loss of personal security and the slow and gradual dissolution of all things that tied me to my daily life and my perception of success or reality at that time. I had drawn to myself the greatest fear I had ever experienced. How was I to survive financially? The fear would grip me in the wee, dark hours of the morning. It was absolute terror. This brought me to the realization that there was simply no going back to a life of dependence on anything or person, neither could desperation force me into action. Everything I tried to succeed at, by the world’s standards, no longer worked for me. I was forced to find or create a new reality. I had to discover an entirely new motive force for living; a force beyond fear.
This new reality came it seems, not by my own choice but through readiness. The task was to discover what lies on the other side of fear. The smallest amount of worry or concern about my survival and future was simply not acceptable; to feel even the slightest twinge of self-pity was not an option. To indulge in these horrible sensations I knew, was destroying me.
True self-realization comes only to those who set themselves the task of conquering their fears. Only then can the mind open to life and all of its beauty, and discover its own true nature. Then we can commune with each other on the deepest levels and feel our own power or essence and oneness with each other, and with all creatures of the earth.
It is in the number 9 that our greatest fears and highest experiences in love are contained.
So, this has been a short story of some of my experiences. Where am I in my evolutionary journey? By comparison I begin to see the struggles of humanity and the dire need of a principle that can bring clarity along the path. The concepts behind Numbers bring that clarity in such a beautiful and impersonal way.